St. Nicholas,  “The Boyless Town”

The Courier-Register, Ann Arbor, Michigan, September 15, 1897
A cross old woman of long ago Declared that she hated noise: "The town would be so pleasant, you know, If only there were no boys." She scolded and fretted about it till Her eyes grew heavy as lead, And then, of a sudden, the town grew still, For all the boys had fled. And all through the long and dusty street There wasn't a boy in view; The base-ball lot where they used to meet Was a sight to make one blue, The grass was growing on every base, And the paths that the runners made; For there wasn't a soul in all the place Who knew how the game was played. The dogs were sleeping the livelong day— Why should they bark or leap? There wasn't a whistle or call to play, And so they could only sleep. The pony neighed from his lonely stall, And longed for a saddle and rein; And even the birds on the garden wall Chirped only a dull refrain. The cherries rotted and went to waste— There was no one to climb the trees; And nobody had a single taste, Save only the birds and bees. There wasn't a messenger boy—not one To speed as such messengers can; If people wanted their errands done, They sent for a messenger man. There was little, I ween, of frolic and noise; There was less of cheer and mirth; The sad old town, since it lacked its boys, Was the dreariest place on earth. The poor old woman began to weep, Then woke with a sudden scream; "Dear me!" she cried; "I have been asleep; And oh, what a horrid dream!"
Added May 29, 2026. View this poem at source. A somewhat corrupted version of this poem is quoted in a letter to the editor of The Baltimore Sun in 1908. In that letter, the writer, G. M. Mullen, argues against those who complain of the smoke of the railroad. His letter:
Should Move To Garden Of Eden.

Messrs. Editors:

Kindly give me a little space in a ray of THE SUN, which shines for all regardless of the weather, so that I may call public attention to an over-zealous desire of some of our esteemed citizens who desire to see Baltimore, the ideal city of the universe—a city teeming with milk and honey, without cows or bees to mar the landscape or sting the fancy of our idealists.

In THE SUN of May 7 I notice the president of the Mount Royal Improvement Association, Bushrod M. Watts, hunting for such an article as a smoke consumer, and having found it, forthwith proceeds to compel the Pennsylvania Railroad to install a consumer in every stove, range and boiler along its line, particularly the lines centering around Union Station and the headquarters of the Mount Royal Improvement Association.

For the good of the city I would respectfully suggest that all those people who are opposed to smoke move to the Garden of Eden, where they can play hide-and-seek among the forbidden fruit trees of that delightful region.

Suppose the Pennsylvania Railroad withdrew from Baltimore, what would be the result? Freeze and starve to death in winter and summer. Let the people of the city keep up the agitation against the Pennsylvania Railroad and the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad and they will find that our city will become like the boyless town represented by the following lines:
A cross old woman of long ago [...]
JV